added 5/4/2010 by Darrell Pittman
HOUSTON (DP) - At a hastily called press conference, Astros' owner Drayton McLane announced that he would henceforth play left field in place of the slumping Carlos Lee.
"Let's face it," said McLane, "Carlos Lee can't hit his own weight, and routinely dogs it in the outfield."
Questioned about his ability to man left field at the age of 73, McLane said merely "I can play left field as well as Carlos Lee... which is true, because zero equals zero."
Baseball experts were dumbfounded by the announcement, but none could explain how anyone could not play better than Carlos Lee.
Noted baseball pundit Tim Kurkjian said "Carlos Lee can play better than my sister... well, er, maybe not. But I'm sure Drayton can."
The looming specter of McLane hobbling around left field at Minute Maid Park leaves other observers nonplussed.
Uberfan Angel T. Killjoy of Eczema, TX, isn't convinced. "Personally, I don't think anyone can dog it out there quite like Carlos does... you know, really make it look like he truly doesn't care. Drayton's like really old, but he's slow because he's like 90 or something. Carlos could run like a gazelle if he was motivated, like if the INS was after him or something. You know that he could get there if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to, and I respect that choice. Letting a runner advance from first to third on a routine single ranks second to seeing Carlos be true to his inner values. That's why I bring my son to these games, to teach him that it's okay to fail as long as you are true to an inner ethos of non-performance."
But what about Drayton at the plate? Can he swing wildly at the low-and-outside ball four pitch as ineffectively as Carlos?
Houston GM Ed Wade: "While it's hard to imagine anyone being worse than Carlos, Drayton will at least exercise more plate discipline, mostly because he has no choice."
Meanwhile, the Astros' clubhouse staff are scrambling to come up with uniform trousers that can accomodate plus-sized Depends.