Rangers sign Rocket

added 4/1/2007 by Darrell Pittman

ARLINGTON, TX --- In a surprise move, the Texas Rangers announced Sunday that they have signed Roger Clemens to a record-setting $1 billion-per-year contract for the rest of his natural life.

The announcement stunned Ranger fans everywhere -- all three of them -- as the Rangers have not had a marquee pitcher since Nolan Ryan.

Among the other perks Clemens will enjoy, Rangers owner Tom Hicks agreed to rename their ballpark "Clemens Field at Ameriquest Park in Arlington," and paint all the seats burnt orange.

"We recognize the committment Roger Clemens has to his family," Hicks added, "so we have bought his three younger sons Kory, Kacy, and Kody outright, and will try to make a trade for Koby." Clemens' wife Debbie will design a new logo and new uniforms for the team.

In addition to not having to make road trips, Clemens will not have to pitch on days that end with "y".

All concessions at the newly-renamed Clemens Field will be handled by Clemens' own "Earl of Sandwich" company, while Debbie will design and make all Rangers apparel sold in the ballpark's gift shops.

Reached for comment by telephone, former teammate Craig Biggio said simply, "That's just baseball."